I just started working a 1,000 piece puzzle to help me pass the many hours that I spend lying around the house. Good puzzles are hard to find but I can usually count on the local Hallmark store to carry a few that look challenging and fun. I find that people either hate to work puzzles or love them but I’ve never heard anyone say that they kind of like them. I’m on the love side and always have been. The thing I like about a puzzle is that there is only one right answer for every spot you’re trying to fill. You can’t pick up one piece and say that it’s close so I’m going to make it work. You have to put it down and keep searching for that one right piece and when you find it, it’s a tiny little feeling of success.
Too bad life isn’t that way. Or maybe it is and we just keep trying to force wrong answers into spaces where they don’t belong. Are we just too lazy to keep searching for all the right answers in life and so we settle for something that’s close and decide that it’s easier to force it then it keep searching? Or, is life a lot more complicated then a puzzle and there is more than one right answer to each and every problem we’re dealt?
I know with my cancer treatments I was faced with making a lot of the decisions myself about what to do, when to do it and who to do it with. I was tormented trying to gain enough knowledge to feel like I could make the “right” decision. I might not know for years if I did make the right decisions or if I just got worn down and started forcing some answers to get the ball rolling. The thing that I do know is that once you finally decide what you’re going to do; life has a way of falling into place. I suppose if life were as rigid as a puzzle we would all be running around desperately searching for each and every right answer because getting it wrong would just not work. So I think we need to celebrate the tiny successes in life when it feels like we found that right piece to solve the current puzzle we each are dealing with even if the answer hasn’t yet been revealed.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
November 10th, Day 79
When I first found out I had cancer my biggest fear was that I was going to die. Then when I heard it was stage one and fairly curable, my next fear was that I’d lose my hair. Dying #1, losing hair #2…when did hair become so important to women? Did we do this to ourselves or can we blame it on marketers and media exposure?
When I traveled to Paris last summer I stayed with my daughter in a less touristy part of the city and got to mingle with the locals. I was shocked to find that the Parisian women did not over-do their dos. Most of them wore their hair the way it behaved naturally, with very little styling or product involved. Even their color seemed to be more mousey and less shiny indicating that they don’t spend hundreds of dollars or hours and hours at the salon having it dyed or highlighted. Isn’t Paris supposed to be the center of the fashion world, where all the trends permeate from? Is this a trend or just a more laissez-faire attitude towards hair? Either way, when is it going to make its way across the pond so we too can let go of our constant quest to have perfect hair?
But, since it’s oh so important to me (remember, its #2 after dying) I’m trying to deal with it as positively as I can until I get mine back. Here’s what I’ve decided. I will most likely save hundreds of dollars by not going to the salon, not buying products, not buying hair accessories and not buying magazines with ideas for new hair. I will save countless hours not washing my hair, not styling my hair, not stressing about my hair and not flipping through those magazines I bought looking for new hair. I will throw on my wig, make a few minor adjustments to get it on straight and be done with it. We will use the money we saved and take a trip to Paris (sound good Sweetie?) when this is all over and I will do as the locals do and let my new hair fall where it may.
When I traveled to Paris last summer I stayed with my daughter in a less touristy part of the city and got to mingle with the locals. I was shocked to find that the Parisian women did not over-do their dos. Most of them wore their hair the way it behaved naturally, with very little styling or product involved. Even their color seemed to be more mousey and less shiny indicating that they don’t spend hundreds of dollars or hours and hours at the salon having it dyed or highlighted. Isn’t Paris supposed to be the center of the fashion world, where all the trends permeate from? Is this a trend or just a more laissez-faire attitude towards hair? Either way, when is it going to make its way across the pond so we too can let go of our constant quest to have perfect hair?
But, since it’s oh so important to me (remember, its #2 after dying) I’m trying to deal with it as positively as I can until I get mine back. Here’s what I’ve decided. I will most likely save hundreds of dollars by not going to the salon, not buying products, not buying hair accessories and not buying magazines with ideas for new hair. I will save countless hours not washing my hair, not styling my hair, not stressing about my hair and not flipping through those magazines I bought looking for new hair. I will throw on my wig, make a few minor adjustments to get it on straight and be done with it. We will use the money we saved and take a trip to Paris (sound good Sweetie?) when this is all over and I will do as the locals do and let my new hair fall where it may.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
November 2nd, Day 71
Life is good and I am loved. I wanted to post this picture of my wall of cards so I could share it with everyone. It literally grows bigger every day and I just love fitting each one in and finding just the right spot. I have so many wonderful friends and family that haven’t stopped letting me know how much you all care about me and are thinking and praying for me. Your cards with your enclosed thoughts and words of wisdom are reminders to me that I am one strong chic, to keep a sense of humor and don’t forget to breathe! All great words of wisdom and are giving me the hope and strength that I need.
I live in a neighborhood that has a 3 mile sidewalk that makes a large oval around the perimeter. As you walk around it you pass the golf course that has many ponds with the most amazing Floridian wildlife hanging around them. I’ve seen Pink Spoonbill, Wood Storks, Blue Heron, Cranes, Sandpipers, Egrets, Pelicans, Owls, Muscovy Ducks, Alligators and many more that I’m not sure what they are.
Last week I was able to walk to the largest pond which is about 1.2 miles from our house. I made sure I timed it right to get there at sunset since that’s when the animals are particularly active. They come alive with this incredible, almost choreographed, wildlife dance you will ever see. The blue heron will fly low over the pond just grazing it as he goes from one side to the other, landing on the edge of a perfectly manicured green on the golf course. The large turtle bobs his head up and down, in and out of the water, probably catching the bugs that are thickest at sunset, hovering just above the surface. My favorite part though, and the part that brings the biggest smile to my face, are watching the fish. I don’t know my fish well but they are about a foot long and usually about 5 or 6 of them will join the dance, behaving like Dolphins who make that graceful arc when they jump out of the water and down under then back up again. They look like a rock skipping across the water because they will propel their bodies up and down, up and down as they make their way across the pond. I would love to film the entire routine someday and put music to it because just walking past doesn’t do it justice. You have to stop and linger awhile before they will give you the full show. They always get a hardy round of applause from me.
I live in a neighborhood that has a 3 mile sidewalk that makes a large oval around the perimeter. As you walk around it you pass the golf course that has many ponds with the most amazing Floridian wildlife hanging around them. I’ve seen Pink Spoonbill, Wood Storks, Blue Heron, Cranes, Sandpipers, Egrets, Pelicans, Owls, Muscovy Ducks, Alligators and many more that I’m not sure what they are.
Last week I was able to walk to the largest pond which is about 1.2 miles from our house. I made sure I timed it right to get there at sunset since that’s when the animals are particularly active. They come alive with this incredible, almost choreographed, wildlife dance you will ever see. The blue heron will fly low over the pond just grazing it as he goes from one side to the other, landing on the edge of a perfectly manicured green on the golf course. The large turtle bobs his head up and down, in and out of the water, probably catching the bugs that are thickest at sunset, hovering just above the surface. My favorite part though, and the part that brings the biggest smile to my face, are watching the fish. I don’t know my fish well but they are about a foot long and usually about 5 or 6 of them will join the dance, behaving like Dolphins who make that graceful arc when they jump out of the water and down under then back up again. They look like a rock skipping across the water because they will propel their bodies up and down, up and down as they make their way across the pond. I would love to film the entire routine someday and put music to it because just walking past doesn’t do it justice. You have to stop and linger awhile before they will give you the full show. They always get a hardy round of applause from me.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Oct 21- Day 59
I just made the most amazing spaghetti dinner tonight. Either that or my taste buds are completely screwed up and my normal, bland style of cooking surprisingly tasted 10 times better today. I doubt that I’ve become a better cook in one day so something else has to be going on.
It might be that for the last 4 days I’ve not been able to keep any food in my stomach. That I’ve had such severe stomach cramps that thoughts of food did not enter into my brain. That until tonight, even jello and chicken broth were too much to handle. I’ve lain on my hard tile bathroom floor for 2 nights until 3am fearful of getting too far away from the toilet and I’ve thought that living doesn’t sound like the better option if it’s spent feeling this miserable.
It was so strange though how quickly it all turned around. I got up today and decided that I just had to get up and go to work because if I spent another full day in bed I’d be cursing the fact that Tom is not a hunter and therefore if I were to desperately go on a search through the house for a loaded gun I wouldn't find one. Then tonight while taking the dogs on a short walk with Tom, I had a sudden urge to eat spaghetti and meatballs. I rarely eat red meat so I took this as a sign that my body was asking for protein and carbohydrates. This sudden food craving put me in the lightest mood as well. Maybe because I realized if I could eat again I’d feel better again? Seems elementary but, when you’re at a point when you think you’ll never feel like eating enough food to sustain life, let alone enjoy it, everything changes when you finally can. So, we ran to the store, bought all the ingredients I needed and I made my most amazing spaghetti dinner ever.
It might be that for the last 4 days I’ve not been able to keep any food in my stomach. That I’ve had such severe stomach cramps that thoughts of food did not enter into my brain. That until tonight, even jello and chicken broth were too much to handle. I’ve lain on my hard tile bathroom floor for 2 nights until 3am fearful of getting too far away from the toilet and I’ve thought that living doesn’t sound like the better option if it’s spent feeling this miserable.
It was so strange though how quickly it all turned around. I got up today and decided that I just had to get up and go to work because if I spent another full day in bed I’d be cursing the fact that Tom is not a hunter and therefore if I were to desperately go on a search through the house for a loaded gun I wouldn't find one. Then tonight while taking the dogs on a short walk with Tom, I had a sudden urge to eat spaghetti and meatballs. I rarely eat red meat so I took this as a sign that my body was asking for protein and carbohydrates. This sudden food craving put me in the lightest mood as well. Maybe because I realized if I could eat again I’d feel better again? Seems elementary but, when you’re at a point when you think you’ll never feel like eating enough food to sustain life, let alone enjoy it, everything changes when you finally can. So, we ran to the store, bought all the ingredients I needed and I made my most amazing spaghetti dinner ever.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
October 12, Day 50
First day of Chemo treatments and the day went extremely long. We had to be there at 7am and didn’t finish until 4pm. We started with lab work, another visit with the nurse and the medical oncologist before heading up to the infusion center. They gave us a tour and explained how the floor was laid out so that each time we come, we know our own way around. They showed us to the recliner chair that I would spend the day in and the small, uncomfortable chair for my guest. My chair was very plush with my own flat screen with all cable channels, nice warm blanket and tables for magazines and books on each side. There were snacks available all day and a volunteer passing out lunches around noon. Poor Tom was stuck in the uncomfortable chair getting tripped over by the nurses all day when they came in to change my meds around. He was a trooper through it all always smiling and running to get me snacks and even remaining pleasant when a volunteer made sure the chocolate ice cream he was getting for me was in fact for a patient and not for himself. I’m sure he was tempted to be a smart ass about how much money we are spending there and the tiny ice cream cup must be about a 10cent cost to the hospital. Anyway, he was good.
We watched a video that explained all the nuances of receiving chemo and what to watch out for. Mostly stuff we had already been warned about for me but a few surprises for others living with me. Apparently I can get bombarded with massive amounts of these toxins but if I were to drip one little teeny stray spot of pee on the toilet seat and someone were to sit on it after me, they could get exposed to the toxins which is apparently something I need to be very concerned about. Tom and I got a chuckle out of how ridiculous that sounded to us. Anyway, I’ll do my best to not drip on the toilet seat and will always do a “look back” to check just in case something sneaks through. I wouldn’t want anyone to get a tiny dose of these highly toxic chemicals.
As for the rest of the day, I felt tired and queasy, but that was it. Round 1 over, 5 more to go. Next days for treatments: Nov. 2, Nov. 23, Dec. 14th. And two more after that in January sometime.
We watched a video that explained all the nuances of receiving chemo and what to watch out for. Mostly stuff we had already been warned about for me but a few surprises for others living with me. Apparently I can get bombarded with massive amounts of these toxins but if I were to drip one little teeny stray spot of pee on the toilet seat and someone were to sit on it after me, they could get exposed to the toxins which is apparently something I need to be very concerned about. Tom and I got a chuckle out of how ridiculous that sounded to us. Anyway, I’ll do my best to not drip on the toilet seat and will always do a “look back” to check just in case something sneaks through. I wouldn’t want anyone to get a tiny dose of these highly toxic chemicals.
As for the rest of the day, I felt tired and queasy, but that was it. Round 1 over, 5 more to go. Next days for treatments: Nov. 2, Nov. 23, Dec. 14th. And two more after that in January sometime.
October 11th, Day 49
Today was my port placement surgery where they place a small, quarter size device under your skin and attach it to a vein which makes it much easier to receive chemo infusions from this port rather than trying to access your veins each time. I hadn’t heard much about how complicated the procedure is except that they kind of make you sleepy, but don’t really knock you out all the way and that someone should more than likely drive you home because you will feel like a drunken sailor. Hmmm, sounds fun, right? As long as I don’t wake up with a tattoo all should be good.
I had Chelsey come with me today since Tom had decided to be with me tomorrow for the first day of Chemo treatments. Chelsey and I went together to the surgical waiting room where I put on a gown and they started my IV. She then left and they said it would only take about 30 min. They wheeled me over to the bed, added the sleepy time drug to my IV and about 5 nurses and one surgeon started immediately working on me. I never really fell asleep and could hear everything and feel my body move and shake around on the table. I wasn’t in any pain, but the sensations were quite freaky to experience. Once they were done, they wheeled me to the recovery area where I tried to come to. The nurse tried to ask me questions but I was pretty incoherent. Chelsey came back in and the nurse went over the care instructions with her and asked her if she could “drive my wheelchair” down to the valet to get our car. Lucky for me, I was really out of it and therefore couldn’t suggest another driver. We rammed into every open doorway, elevator opening and wall getting from the 4th floor down to the lobby. She just kept saying, “oops, sorry” each time she missed a corner. I was sure this was her way of paying me back after my nagging her in the car. My head was bobbing all over the place and we were both laughing by the time we made it downstairs. I gave no attitude to her on the ride home because I was too drugged up to notice if she was speeding or not which I’m sure gave Chelsey a little justification.
I had Chelsey come with me today since Tom had decided to be with me tomorrow for the first day of Chemo treatments. Chelsey and I went together to the surgical waiting room where I put on a gown and they started my IV. She then left and they said it would only take about 30 min. They wheeled me over to the bed, added the sleepy time drug to my IV and about 5 nurses and one surgeon started immediately working on me. I never really fell asleep and could hear everything and feel my body move and shake around on the table. I wasn’t in any pain, but the sensations were quite freaky to experience. Once they were done, they wheeled me to the recovery area where I tried to come to. The nurse tried to ask me questions but I was pretty incoherent. Chelsey came back in and the nurse went over the care instructions with her and asked her if she could “drive my wheelchair” down to the valet to get our car. Lucky for me, I was really out of it and therefore couldn’t suggest another driver. We rammed into every open doorway, elevator opening and wall getting from the 4th floor down to the lobby. She just kept saying, “oops, sorry” each time she missed a corner. I was sure this was her way of paying me back after my nagging her in the car. My head was bobbing all over the place and we were both laughing by the time we made it downstairs. I gave no attitude to her on the ride home because I was too drugged up to notice if she was speeding or not which I’m sure gave Chelsey a little justification.
October 5th, day 43
Today was my Grandmother’s gravesite service for her passing on October 1st, the day after her 97th birthday. It was an event that I will never forget because of the remarkable impact that day had on me. The service was attended by family only who are some of the warmest, most caring and spiritual people from the Midwest you would ever know. On that particular day, the sky was a crisp shade of bright blue and she was buried on a beautiful plot of rolling hills surrounded by trees that were just turning their golden hues for the season. Looking around at the crowd it was obvious that her legacy will continue through all of us for many, many years. Some sharing her recipes like how to make homemade applesauce and others her love of gardening. There wasn’t a bird or plant that my grandmother didn’t know. She lived a simple life but was a fulfilled woman because she was surrounded by so much love.
Later that day Chelsey and I took off on our road trip to Florida wearing our pink breast cancer awareness ball caps. We had full intentions of stopping in St. Louis for some retail therapy, but once we realized we couldn’t fit into her car all of the clothes she already owned and desperately had to have with her, I made the decision that stopping would only mean she’d have to leave something else behind which she just couldn’t do. So, our only stop ended up being to Barnes and Noble to pick up a couple of books on tape to pass the time quicker. Day one was a breeze, I ended up doing all the driving and we stopped that first night in Paducah, Kentucky.
After hauling all of our luggage, the cat and her liter box and food into the hotel room at night and back into the car the next morning we decided to try and haul it straight through to Tampa. The drive was going to be long, about 13 hours but we thought between the two of us we could do it. I took the first leg and got us just past Atlanta, GA before pulling over to let Chelsey drive so I could rest. Unfortunately, I stopped too soon and the traffic outside Atlanta is crazy! I turned into such a nag harping at poor Chelsey over and over about slowing down, changing lanes and watching out for crazy drivers that she was quickly agitated with me. Our peaceful drive all of a sudden turned into me being a maniac. I tried to close my eyes, but whenever she slammed on the breaks I woke up in a sweat. After 2 short hours of this, Chelsey found a rest stop and pulled over, turned off the car and handed me the keys. She never really said much because I could tell she didn’t want to me mean to me (normally she would have put me in my place) but she was done. I don’t blame her. I took the wheel back and she stuffed her head into a pillow for the next 2 hours to get over it. I had to drive the rest of the way to Tampa which turned out to be a total of 14 hours that day! I clearly should have kept my mouth shut. We were both wiped out but we made it safe and sound. I guess it’s time for me to realize that she’s been on her own for a few years now and I have to start treating her like the grown up that she is. These next few months will force her to be much more grown up and I’ll have to learn to accept it and appreciate it.
Later that day Chelsey and I took off on our road trip to Florida wearing our pink breast cancer awareness ball caps. We had full intentions of stopping in St. Louis for some retail therapy, but once we realized we couldn’t fit into her car all of the clothes she already owned and desperately had to have with her, I made the decision that stopping would only mean she’d have to leave something else behind which she just couldn’t do. So, our only stop ended up being to Barnes and Noble to pick up a couple of books on tape to pass the time quicker. Day one was a breeze, I ended up doing all the driving and we stopped that first night in Paducah, Kentucky.
After hauling all of our luggage, the cat and her liter box and food into the hotel room at night and back into the car the next morning we decided to try and haul it straight through to Tampa. The drive was going to be long, about 13 hours but we thought between the two of us we could do it. I took the first leg and got us just past Atlanta, GA before pulling over to let Chelsey drive so I could rest. Unfortunately, I stopped too soon and the traffic outside Atlanta is crazy! I turned into such a nag harping at poor Chelsey over and over about slowing down, changing lanes and watching out for crazy drivers that she was quickly agitated with me. Our peaceful drive all of a sudden turned into me being a maniac. I tried to close my eyes, but whenever she slammed on the breaks I woke up in a sweat. After 2 short hours of this, Chelsey found a rest stop and pulled over, turned off the car and handed me the keys. She never really said much because I could tell she didn’t want to me mean to me (normally she would have put me in my place) but she was done. I don’t blame her. I took the wheel back and she stuffed her head into a pillow for the next 2 hours to get over it. I had to drive the rest of the way to Tampa which turned out to be a total of 14 hours that day! I clearly should have kept my mouth shut. We were both wiped out but we made it safe and sound. I guess it’s time for me to realize that she’s been on her own for a few years now and I have to start treating her like the grown up that she is. These next few months will force her to be much more grown up and I’ll have to learn to accept it and appreciate it.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
September 27-Day 35
So I’m at the cancer clinic this morning for yet another round of tests and while I’m talking to the oncologist, a nurse is trying to take my blood pressure. The machine they use keeps pumping the little sleeve on my arm over and over until it finally gets a reading. It was 99/56 which is very low so the nurse and doctor look at each other kind of confused, then the doctor said, “that’s pretty low, are you sick or something?” Now the smart ass in me wanted to quip back something like, “isn’t that why I’m here?” or “Did I forget to tell you guys that I have cancer?” but instead I assumed she meant something other than the cancer and so I said “no, I’m not sick.”
Today was another exhausting day at the clinic. During my 8 hours there I met my medical oncologist, had an ultrasound done to check on more suspicious spots, had 3 more biopsies taken and another mammogram. I got signed up for my chemo treatments (with the first one starting on Oct. 12) was given information about using a surgically placed port for administering the drugs through and heard about all of the prescription drugs and their side effects that I will be taking prior to taking the chemo drugs. I was there so long they had to escort me out the staff doors because everyone else had gone for the evening.
The good news is that I’ve made a decision today and told the oncologist that I need to get started and the one thing we can do now is to start chemo treatments. They really don’t care about the order of surgery first or chemo first in terms of my health so I’m tired of the wait and why delay the inevitable, right? So I have a game plan now and it’s a little scary but at least I can move from this feeling of living in denial to the beginning of putting an end to this hell.
Karen
Today was another exhausting day at the clinic. During my 8 hours there I met my medical oncologist, had an ultrasound done to check on more suspicious spots, had 3 more biopsies taken and another mammogram. I got signed up for my chemo treatments (with the first one starting on Oct. 12) was given information about using a surgically placed port for administering the drugs through and heard about all of the prescription drugs and their side effects that I will be taking prior to taking the chemo drugs. I was there so long they had to escort me out the staff doors because everyone else had gone for the evening.
The good news is that I’ve made a decision today and told the oncologist that I need to get started and the one thing we can do now is to start chemo treatments. They really don’t care about the order of surgery first or chemo first in terms of my health so I’m tired of the wait and why delay the inevitable, right? So I have a game plan now and it’s a little scary but at least I can move from this feeling of living in denial to the beginning of putting an end to this hell.
Karen
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
September 20-Day 28
Working in retail can make for a crazy, hectic day that often starts with early morning delivery issues and can end with several staff members lined up asking for 5 minutes of my time to resolve their issues. There is no such thing as a moment of privacy in my work world which makes taking care of my health situation even more challenging.
Yesterday my surgical doctor and I were playing phone tag and obviously I’m always anxious to talk to her. When she finally was able to reach me, I had picked up the page downstairs in our stock room where I was surrounded by 4 men working our large truck that had just been unloaded at our dock doors. I was planning on asking her about the relative size of my tumor compared with the size of my breast and how this would impact my surgical decision when one of the guys came up next to me to use the computer. I started to stammer around a bit when I decided that 10 minutes of privacy was necessary. I put the dr. on hold and ran upstairs to the manager’s office and closed the door. During the 10 min. conversation we had, someone knocked on the door, one person barged right in then backed out and there were 2 pages for me to the sales floor. I held my ground, ignoring all possible interruptions and kept my focus on all of the questions that I had prepared for this precious time with my surgeon.
I can tell this cancer thing is going to be hard for me to prioritize while I’m at work since I’m so used to putting our customers and our staff before my own needs. Pushing myself to the front of the line isn't something that comes naturally for me but I do know the store will not burn down while I'm on the phone and that everyone I work with would rather I take the time to get healthy again so I can be 100% focused.
As for the conversation with the surgeon, she still needs some more ultrasounds done before they can rule out any suspicious looking lymph nodes so we’re going to schedule that. I’ve also requested an appointment with the medical oncologist who is the person responsible for my upcoming chemo treatments. We talked about the possibility of doing chemo before surgery while I’m waiting to talk to plastics (that’s dr. talk for the plastic surgeon). I’m learning so much about the medical world and it’s kind of cool. Next appointment is Monday, September 27th with chemo dr. (that’s Karen talk for medical oncologist).
Yesterday my surgical doctor and I were playing phone tag and obviously I’m always anxious to talk to her. When she finally was able to reach me, I had picked up the page downstairs in our stock room where I was surrounded by 4 men working our large truck that had just been unloaded at our dock doors. I was planning on asking her about the relative size of my tumor compared with the size of my breast and how this would impact my surgical decision when one of the guys came up next to me to use the computer. I started to stammer around a bit when I decided that 10 minutes of privacy was necessary. I put the dr. on hold and ran upstairs to the manager’s office and closed the door. During the 10 min. conversation we had, someone knocked on the door, one person barged right in then backed out and there were 2 pages for me to the sales floor. I held my ground, ignoring all possible interruptions and kept my focus on all of the questions that I had prepared for this precious time with my surgeon.
I can tell this cancer thing is going to be hard for me to prioritize while I’m at work since I’m so used to putting our customers and our staff before my own needs. Pushing myself to the front of the line isn't something that comes naturally for me but I do know the store will not burn down while I'm on the phone and that everyone I work with would rather I take the time to get healthy again so I can be 100% focused.
As for the conversation with the surgeon, she still needs some more ultrasounds done before they can rule out any suspicious looking lymph nodes so we’re going to schedule that. I’ve also requested an appointment with the medical oncologist who is the person responsible for my upcoming chemo treatments. We talked about the possibility of doing chemo before surgery while I’m waiting to talk to plastics (that’s dr. talk for the plastic surgeon). I’m learning so much about the medical world and it’s kind of cool. Next appointment is Monday, September 27th with chemo dr. (that’s Karen talk for medical oncologist).
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
September 15-Day 23
Ugh!! We can't get in to see the plastic surgeon that works with our Oncologist until October 6th. That's 3 more weeks of waiting and then we'll probably be waiting another 3 weeks to coordinate their calendars for surgery. I'm so anxious to get the process started, but if they aren't panicking then I have to trust that they have my health in mind and that nothing will progress too far before we can remove the tumor.
The extra time is allowing me to get some things taken care of before I'll be unable to after the surgery. I've made the decision to move Chelsey out of Chicago and down here to live with Tom and I in Tampa. A co-worker jokingly accussed me of getting cancer on purpose in order to talk my daughter into moving back home. I miss her terribly, but I'm sure I wouldn't put this on myself just to get her here.
I can't wait for our road trip from KC to Tampa just like when she was a teenager and we would throw a couple of suitcases in the car along with her music and my snacks and take off for whatever city had the latest cool new store we wanted to check out. Minneappolis, Chicago and St. Louis were our favorites. We could drive it in a day and they always had better shopping than KC. The best part about our trips were the hours spent driving and talking and me listening to the usual woes of a teenage girl...friends, boyfriend or no boyfriend (depending on the day), high school drama and of course-what to wear with those new boots she just bought at the Galleria!
Chelsey, I'll pack the snacks if you'll bring the music and maybe we can stop off at the Galleria and look for boots.
The extra time is allowing me to get some things taken care of before I'll be unable to after the surgery. I've made the decision to move Chelsey out of Chicago and down here to live with Tom and I in Tampa. A co-worker jokingly accussed me of getting cancer on purpose in order to talk my daughter into moving back home. I miss her terribly, but I'm sure I wouldn't put this on myself just to get her here.
I can't wait for our road trip from KC to Tampa just like when she was a teenager and we would throw a couple of suitcases in the car along with her music and my snacks and take off for whatever city had the latest cool new store we wanted to check out. Minneappolis, Chicago and St. Louis were our favorites. We could drive it in a day and they always had better shopping than KC. The best part about our trips were the hours spent driving and talking and me listening to the usual woes of a teenage girl...friends, boyfriend or no boyfriend (depending on the day), high school drama and of course-what to wear with those new boots she just bought at the Galleria!
Chelsey, I'll pack the snacks if you'll bring the music and maybe we can stop off at the Galleria and look for boots.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
September 11- Day 19
To take our minds off all of the new information we heard yesterday, Tom and I decided to spend the day at our favorite beach, Pass-A-Grille. If you’ve never been there let me try to describe how serene and relaxing it is there. The town is at the very tip of the island just south of St. Pete Beach and is old, quaint and filled with charming homes, restaurants and shops. There are no buildings on the beach and you have to walk past sand dunes to get from the parking lot to the beach. The water is crystal clear and goes from a soft green closest to the sand to a pale turquoise and then a deep blue. At 10:00 am on a Saturday in September the crowd is pretty sparse and is mostly couples or a few families with small children. There’s a small jetty at one end and if you walk up and look over it, the ocean seems to go on forever into the distance.
On a typical day there, Tom and I will sunbathe, cool off in the Gulf, maybe nap in our beach chairs, and read if you’re Tom or flip through the latest fashion or shelter mag if you’re me. Today started off being typical with sunbathing and magazine flipping, but then it happened. Tom was out in the water about waist deep cooling off from the 95 degree cloudless day we were having when I decided to put down my Coastal Living and join him. Just as I reached Tom, my left foot felt like the sand was giving way and I was sinking deeper. Before I knew what was going on, I felt something bite me. And then, the pain came. Excruciating pain like I’ve never felt before! I was afraid to look down for fear my foot had been chewed off by a shark! I tried to climb up on Tom because I thought whatever got me might still be hanging around. I quickly started to drag myself out of the water and knew then that my foot was still intact, but was starting to swell up and hurt like crazy. I got out of the water and crippled over to my beach chair. My foot was bleeding from a puncture wound that was apparently from a Stingray. Yes, I was bitten today by a Stingray!! What next???
Advice started to come at us from several people on the beach who just witnessed what had happened. Scalding, hot water on my foot for the next 2 hours was what we heard from most everyone. Tom ran down to the beach shack and they gave him a pickle bucket filled with hot sudsy water to soak my foot in. I sat like that for about an hour but by then we had been there for so long the sun was baking me. Taking my foot out of the hot water was too painful, so….I had to drag the pickle bucket filled with water and my left foot inside all the way back across the beach up over the sand dunes and to our car. I was quite a site taking one step, dragging the pickle bucket, take another step, drag the bucket, stop to talk to a group of tourists about what happened and finally make it back to the car.
All I kept thinking as Tom drove us home and I winced in pain all the way was why? Was there a reason for this? Was this supposed to teach me some lesson? Am I learning how to deal with pain to prep for my upcoming surgeries? Today’s pain was pretty bad on a scale of 1-10 I’d say it was a 9 at times. Maybe I’m just getting my bad luck out of the way so the good stuff will come at me when I need it most. I’m going with that theory.
Karen
On a typical day there, Tom and I will sunbathe, cool off in the Gulf, maybe nap in our beach chairs, and read if you’re Tom or flip through the latest fashion or shelter mag if you’re me. Today started off being typical with sunbathing and magazine flipping, but then it happened. Tom was out in the water about waist deep cooling off from the 95 degree cloudless day we were having when I decided to put down my Coastal Living and join him. Just as I reached Tom, my left foot felt like the sand was giving way and I was sinking deeper. Before I knew what was going on, I felt something bite me. And then, the pain came. Excruciating pain like I’ve never felt before! I was afraid to look down for fear my foot had been chewed off by a shark! I tried to climb up on Tom because I thought whatever got me might still be hanging around. I quickly started to drag myself out of the water and knew then that my foot was still intact, but was starting to swell up and hurt like crazy. I got out of the water and crippled over to my beach chair. My foot was bleeding from a puncture wound that was apparently from a Stingray. Yes, I was bitten today by a Stingray!! What next???
Advice started to come at us from several people on the beach who just witnessed what had happened. Scalding, hot water on my foot for the next 2 hours was what we heard from most everyone. Tom ran down to the beach shack and they gave him a pickle bucket filled with hot sudsy water to soak my foot in. I sat like that for about an hour but by then we had been there for so long the sun was baking me. Taking my foot out of the hot water was too painful, so….I had to drag the pickle bucket filled with water and my left foot inside all the way back across the beach up over the sand dunes and to our car. I was quite a site taking one step, dragging the pickle bucket, take another step, drag the bucket, stop to talk to a group of tourists about what happened and finally make it back to the car.
All I kept thinking as Tom drove us home and I winced in pain all the way was why? Was there a reason for this? Was this supposed to teach me some lesson? Am I learning how to deal with pain to prep for my upcoming surgeries? Today’s pain was pretty bad on a scale of 1-10 I’d say it was a 9 at times. Maybe I’m just getting my bad luck out of the way so the good stuff will come at me when I need it most. I’m going with that theory.
Karen
September 10- Day 18
My second visit to see a surgical Oncologist regarding my breast cancer was at the Moffitt Center in Tampa which is a highly regarded cancer research hospital. I was lucky enough to have a friend with great connections who got me an appointment there with one of the top doctors. That alone gave me some peace of mind. Thank you Sherry!
As soon as we walked through the doors I felt like I was going to a day spa…soothing waterfall behind the front desk, stone accent wall and jars filled with lovely smelling stuff took my mind off the real reason we were here. Oh yeah, I have cancer. Our visit was with a team of doctors who gave me their evaluation of my situation and basically threw out all the same options as the last doctor. Surgery, Chemo and possibly radiation if needed.
The ball is in my court now and I have to decide about reconstructive surgery or not and partial vs. full mastectomy. It’s a tough call but knowing that both paths have proven to have the same health outcome for most patients helps me a lot. It really comes down to inconvenience, appearance and multiple surgeries vs. 6 weeks of radiation.
It’s like on the Amazing Race when the team has to decide between eating something foul and disgusting or do a physically grueling task that no human should ever try to do. In order to advance in that game or the game of life, you just have to pick one and go for it and then hope you made the best decision to get through to the finish line. I’ll let you know what I decide.
Karen
As soon as we walked through the doors I felt like I was going to a day spa…soothing waterfall behind the front desk, stone accent wall and jars filled with lovely smelling stuff took my mind off the real reason we were here. Oh yeah, I have cancer. Our visit was with a team of doctors who gave me their evaluation of my situation and basically threw out all the same options as the last doctor. Surgery, Chemo and possibly radiation if needed.
The ball is in my court now and I have to decide about reconstructive surgery or not and partial vs. full mastectomy. It’s a tough call but knowing that both paths have proven to have the same health outcome for most patients helps me a lot. It really comes down to inconvenience, appearance and multiple surgeries vs. 6 weeks of radiation.
It’s like on the Amazing Race when the team has to decide between eating something foul and disgusting or do a physically grueling task that no human should ever try to do. In order to advance in that game or the game of life, you just have to pick one and go for it and then hope you made the best decision to get through to the finish line. I’ll let you know what I decide.
Karen
August 30- Day 7
Today was our first visit to an oncologist that had been set up by the doctor that did my biopsy. Tom and I went together figuring that between the two of us we could remember everything we wanted to ask. It’s amazing how many questions went unanswered and how many new ones came up after the appointment. We came away feeling completely overwhelmed with information that was both foreign and scary.
The doctor handed me a 3x5 index card that listed all of my cancer stats: Stage 1, Grade 2, Invasive Ductal, Estrogen-positive, progesterone-positive, HER2-positive. I was a bit surprised at how low tech her delivery of the information was with the index card and that she had written it in pencil suggesting that she wasn’t 100% sure of the diagnosis so she left herself room for re-thinking? Tom pointed out that we get a more technological analysis of the content of our pool water when we take samples to the pool store.
Anyway, she explained what some of the findings meant, but most I had to look up later at home. She recommended surgery to remove the tumor, radiation only if I chose to do the partial instead of the full mastectomy and chemo. We decided to get a second opinion. I’m not so sure we’ll hear anything different, but I know that I’ll always question her until I hear from another doctor.
The doctor handed me a 3x5 index card that listed all of my cancer stats: Stage 1, Grade 2, Invasive Ductal, Estrogen-positive, progesterone-positive, HER2-positive. I was a bit surprised at how low tech her delivery of the information was with the index card and that she had written it in pencil suggesting that she wasn’t 100% sure of the diagnosis so she left herself room for re-thinking? Tom pointed out that we get a more technological analysis of the content of our pool water when we take samples to the pool store.
Anyway, she explained what some of the findings meant, but most I had to look up later at home. She recommended surgery to remove the tumor, radiation only if I chose to do the partial instead of the full mastectomy and chemo. We decided to get a second opinion. I’m not so sure we’ll hear anything different, but I know that I’ll always question her until I hear from another doctor.
August 24- Day 1
I had a dream last night that I was on a cruise ship sailing through the open seas. I was enjoying the views from the top deck with both family and co-workers as your dreams are often filled with random people, when all of a sudden the ship started to veer towards a very small channel that was too tight for our big ship. The captain was steering like a mad man, throwing the passengers all over the deck and narrowly missing the banks. We were careening out of control when I work up, scared but relieved it was just a bad dream.
Unfortunately, the news I had received earlier in the day wasn’t a dream. My doctor had called to tell me that I had breast cancer. What a blow that was. I wasn’t even feeling the slightest bit sick so how could I have cancer in my body? Shouldn’t you at least be obsessing about some small ache or pain that makes you think something horrible is going on? I had none of that which is probably why it knocked me for a loop when she called me with the results from my biopsy.
I titled this karen has cancer because after the word got out to my family and a few close friends I assumed that between texting, phone calls and facebook everyone was whispering that phrase over and over from one person to the next just like the scene in Grease where Rizzo tells her best friend that she’s pregnant at the concession stand of the drive in movie. Before she can even make it back to her own car the entire movie going crowd has heard the news. Why is it that bad news travels so much faster than good news?
This blog site is going to be part therapy for me and part information for my friends and family. Most of you know me well enough to know that I don’t take myself too seriously, so in spite of the fact that I am dealing with some pretty heavy crap here, I’m going to keep it as humorous as I can or else I will go insane. Obviously my dream last night was in direct correlation with how out of control I feel right now. Please stick with me through this as this is going to get interesting.
Karen
Unfortunately, the news I had received earlier in the day wasn’t a dream. My doctor had called to tell me that I had breast cancer. What a blow that was. I wasn’t even feeling the slightest bit sick so how could I have cancer in my body? Shouldn’t you at least be obsessing about some small ache or pain that makes you think something horrible is going on? I had none of that which is probably why it knocked me for a loop when she called me with the results from my biopsy.
I titled this karen has cancer because after the word got out to my family and a few close friends I assumed that between texting, phone calls and facebook everyone was whispering that phrase over and over from one person to the next just like the scene in Grease where Rizzo tells her best friend that she’s pregnant at the concession stand of the drive in movie. Before she can even make it back to her own car the entire movie going crowd has heard the news. Why is it that bad news travels so much faster than good news?
This blog site is going to be part therapy for me and part information for my friends and family. Most of you know me well enough to know that I don’t take myself too seriously, so in spite of the fact that I am dealing with some pretty heavy crap here, I’m going to keep it as humorous as I can or else I will go insane. Obviously my dream last night was in direct correlation with how out of control I feel right now. Please stick with me through this as this is going to get interesting.
Karen
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