I just made the most amazing spaghetti dinner tonight. Either that or my taste buds are completely screwed up and my normal, bland style of cooking surprisingly tasted 10 times better today. I doubt that I’ve become a better cook in one day so something else has to be going on.
It might be that for the last 4 days I’ve not been able to keep any food in my stomach. That I’ve had such severe stomach cramps that thoughts of food did not enter into my brain. That until tonight, even jello and chicken broth were too much to handle. I’ve lain on my hard tile bathroom floor for 2 nights until 3am fearful of getting too far away from the toilet and I’ve thought that living doesn’t sound like the better option if it’s spent feeling this miserable.
It was so strange though how quickly it all turned around. I got up today and decided that I just had to get up and go to work because if I spent another full day in bed I’d be cursing the fact that Tom is not a hunter and therefore if I were to desperately go on a search through the house for a loaded gun I wouldn't find one. Then tonight while taking the dogs on a short walk with Tom, I had a sudden urge to eat spaghetti and meatballs. I rarely eat red meat so I took this as a sign that my body was asking for protein and carbohydrates. This sudden food craving put me in the lightest mood as well. Maybe because I realized if I could eat again I’d feel better again? Seems elementary but, when you’re at a point when you think you’ll never feel like eating enough food to sustain life, let alone enjoy it, everything changes when you finally can. So, we ran to the store, bought all the ingredients I needed and I made my most amazing spaghetti dinner ever.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
October 12, Day 50
First day of Chemo treatments and the day went extremely long. We had to be there at 7am and didn’t finish until 4pm. We started with lab work, another visit with the nurse and the medical oncologist before heading up to the infusion center. They gave us a tour and explained how the floor was laid out so that each time we come, we know our own way around. They showed us to the recliner chair that I would spend the day in and the small, uncomfortable chair for my guest. My chair was very plush with my own flat screen with all cable channels, nice warm blanket and tables for magazines and books on each side. There were snacks available all day and a volunteer passing out lunches around noon. Poor Tom was stuck in the uncomfortable chair getting tripped over by the nurses all day when they came in to change my meds around. He was a trooper through it all always smiling and running to get me snacks and even remaining pleasant when a volunteer made sure the chocolate ice cream he was getting for me was in fact for a patient and not for himself. I’m sure he was tempted to be a smart ass about how much money we are spending there and the tiny ice cream cup must be about a 10cent cost to the hospital. Anyway, he was good.
We watched a video that explained all the nuances of receiving chemo and what to watch out for. Mostly stuff we had already been warned about for me but a few surprises for others living with me. Apparently I can get bombarded with massive amounts of these toxins but if I were to drip one little teeny stray spot of pee on the toilet seat and someone were to sit on it after me, they could get exposed to the toxins which is apparently something I need to be very concerned about. Tom and I got a chuckle out of how ridiculous that sounded to us. Anyway, I’ll do my best to not drip on the toilet seat and will always do a “look back” to check just in case something sneaks through. I wouldn’t want anyone to get a tiny dose of these highly toxic chemicals.
As for the rest of the day, I felt tired and queasy, but that was it. Round 1 over, 5 more to go. Next days for treatments: Nov. 2, Nov. 23, Dec. 14th. And two more after that in January sometime.
We watched a video that explained all the nuances of receiving chemo and what to watch out for. Mostly stuff we had already been warned about for me but a few surprises for others living with me. Apparently I can get bombarded with massive amounts of these toxins but if I were to drip one little teeny stray spot of pee on the toilet seat and someone were to sit on it after me, they could get exposed to the toxins which is apparently something I need to be very concerned about. Tom and I got a chuckle out of how ridiculous that sounded to us. Anyway, I’ll do my best to not drip on the toilet seat and will always do a “look back” to check just in case something sneaks through. I wouldn’t want anyone to get a tiny dose of these highly toxic chemicals.
As for the rest of the day, I felt tired and queasy, but that was it. Round 1 over, 5 more to go. Next days for treatments: Nov. 2, Nov. 23, Dec. 14th. And two more after that in January sometime.
October 11th, Day 49
Today was my port placement surgery where they place a small, quarter size device under your skin and attach it to a vein which makes it much easier to receive chemo infusions from this port rather than trying to access your veins each time. I hadn’t heard much about how complicated the procedure is except that they kind of make you sleepy, but don’t really knock you out all the way and that someone should more than likely drive you home because you will feel like a drunken sailor. Hmmm, sounds fun, right? As long as I don’t wake up with a tattoo all should be good.
I had Chelsey come with me today since Tom had decided to be with me tomorrow for the first day of Chemo treatments. Chelsey and I went together to the surgical waiting room where I put on a gown and they started my IV. She then left and they said it would only take about 30 min. They wheeled me over to the bed, added the sleepy time drug to my IV and about 5 nurses and one surgeon started immediately working on me. I never really fell asleep and could hear everything and feel my body move and shake around on the table. I wasn’t in any pain, but the sensations were quite freaky to experience. Once they were done, they wheeled me to the recovery area where I tried to come to. The nurse tried to ask me questions but I was pretty incoherent. Chelsey came back in and the nurse went over the care instructions with her and asked her if she could “drive my wheelchair” down to the valet to get our car. Lucky for me, I was really out of it and therefore couldn’t suggest another driver. We rammed into every open doorway, elevator opening and wall getting from the 4th floor down to the lobby. She just kept saying, “oops, sorry” each time she missed a corner. I was sure this was her way of paying me back after my nagging her in the car. My head was bobbing all over the place and we were both laughing by the time we made it downstairs. I gave no attitude to her on the ride home because I was too drugged up to notice if she was speeding or not which I’m sure gave Chelsey a little justification.
I had Chelsey come with me today since Tom had decided to be with me tomorrow for the first day of Chemo treatments. Chelsey and I went together to the surgical waiting room where I put on a gown and they started my IV. She then left and they said it would only take about 30 min. They wheeled me over to the bed, added the sleepy time drug to my IV and about 5 nurses and one surgeon started immediately working on me. I never really fell asleep and could hear everything and feel my body move and shake around on the table. I wasn’t in any pain, but the sensations were quite freaky to experience. Once they were done, they wheeled me to the recovery area where I tried to come to. The nurse tried to ask me questions but I was pretty incoherent. Chelsey came back in and the nurse went over the care instructions with her and asked her if she could “drive my wheelchair” down to the valet to get our car. Lucky for me, I was really out of it and therefore couldn’t suggest another driver. We rammed into every open doorway, elevator opening and wall getting from the 4th floor down to the lobby. She just kept saying, “oops, sorry” each time she missed a corner. I was sure this was her way of paying me back after my nagging her in the car. My head was bobbing all over the place and we were both laughing by the time we made it downstairs. I gave no attitude to her on the ride home because I was too drugged up to notice if she was speeding or not which I’m sure gave Chelsey a little justification.
October 5th, day 43
Today was my Grandmother’s gravesite service for her passing on October 1st, the day after her 97th birthday. It was an event that I will never forget because of the remarkable impact that day had on me. The service was attended by family only who are some of the warmest, most caring and spiritual people from the Midwest you would ever know. On that particular day, the sky was a crisp shade of bright blue and she was buried on a beautiful plot of rolling hills surrounded by trees that were just turning their golden hues for the season. Looking around at the crowd it was obvious that her legacy will continue through all of us for many, many years. Some sharing her recipes like how to make homemade applesauce and others her love of gardening. There wasn’t a bird or plant that my grandmother didn’t know. She lived a simple life but was a fulfilled woman because she was surrounded by so much love.
Later that day Chelsey and I took off on our road trip to Florida wearing our pink breast cancer awareness ball caps. We had full intentions of stopping in St. Louis for some retail therapy, but once we realized we couldn’t fit into her car all of the clothes she already owned and desperately had to have with her, I made the decision that stopping would only mean she’d have to leave something else behind which she just couldn’t do. So, our only stop ended up being to Barnes and Noble to pick up a couple of books on tape to pass the time quicker. Day one was a breeze, I ended up doing all the driving and we stopped that first night in Paducah, Kentucky.
After hauling all of our luggage, the cat and her liter box and food into the hotel room at night and back into the car the next morning we decided to try and haul it straight through to Tampa. The drive was going to be long, about 13 hours but we thought between the two of us we could do it. I took the first leg and got us just past Atlanta, GA before pulling over to let Chelsey drive so I could rest. Unfortunately, I stopped too soon and the traffic outside Atlanta is crazy! I turned into such a nag harping at poor Chelsey over and over about slowing down, changing lanes and watching out for crazy drivers that she was quickly agitated with me. Our peaceful drive all of a sudden turned into me being a maniac. I tried to close my eyes, but whenever she slammed on the breaks I woke up in a sweat. After 2 short hours of this, Chelsey found a rest stop and pulled over, turned off the car and handed me the keys. She never really said much because I could tell she didn’t want to me mean to me (normally she would have put me in my place) but she was done. I don’t blame her. I took the wheel back and she stuffed her head into a pillow for the next 2 hours to get over it. I had to drive the rest of the way to Tampa which turned out to be a total of 14 hours that day! I clearly should have kept my mouth shut. We were both wiped out but we made it safe and sound. I guess it’s time for me to realize that she’s been on her own for a few years now and I have to start treating her like the grown up that she is. These next few months will force her to be much more grown up and I’ll have to learn to accept it and appreciate it.
Later that day Chelsey and I took off on our road trip to Florida wearing our pink breast cancer awareness ball caps. We had full intentions of stopping in St. Louis for some retail therapy, but once we realized we couldn’t fit into her car all of the clothes she already owned and desperately had to have with her, I made the decision that stopping would only mean she’d have to leave something else behind which she just couldn’t do. So, our only stop ended up being to Barnes and Noble to pick up a couple of books on tape to pass the time quicker. Day one was a breeze, I ended up doing all the driving and we stopped that first night in Paducah, Kentucky.
After hauling all of our luggage, the cat and her liter box and food into the hotel room at night and back into the car the next morning we decided to try and haul it straight through to Tampa. The drive was going to be long, about 13 hours but we thought between the two of us we could do it. I took the first leg and got us just past Atlanta, GA before pulling over to let Chelsey drive so I could rest. Unfortunately, I stopped too soon and the traffic outside Atlanta is crazy! I turned into such a nag harping at poor Chelsey over and over about slowing down, changing lanes and watching out for crazy drivers that she was quickly agitated with me. Our peaceful drive all of a sudden turned into me being a maniac. I tried to close my eyes, but whenever she slammed on the breaks I woke up in a sweat. After 2 short hours of this, Chelsey found a rest stop and pulled over, turned off the car and handed me the keys. She never really said much because I could tell she didn’t want to me mean to me (normally she would have put me in my place) but she was done. I don’t blame her. I took the wheel back and she stuffed her head into a pillow for the next 2 hours to get over it. I had to drive the rest of the way to Tampa which turned out to be a total of 14 hours that day! I clearly should have kept my mouth shut. We were both wiped out but we made it safe and sound. I guess it’s time for me to realize that she’s been on her own for a few years now and I have to start treating her like the grown up that she is. These next few months will force her to be much more grown up and I’ll have to learn to accept it and appreciate it.
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