So I’m at the cancer clinic this morning for yet another round of tests and while I’m talking to the oncologist, a nurse is trying to take my blood pressure. The machine they use keeps pumping the little sleeve on my arm over and over until it finally gets a reading. It was 99/56 which is very low so the nurse and doctor look at each other kind of confused, then the doctor said, “that’s pretty low, are you sick or something?” Now the smart ass in me wanted to quip back something like, “isn’t that why I’m here?” or “Did I forget to tell you guys that I have cancer?” but instead I assumed she meant something other than the cancer and so I said “no, I’m not sick.”
Today was another exhausting day at the clinic. During my 8 hours there I met my medical oncologist, had an ultrasound done to check on more suspicious spots, had 3 more biopsies taken and another mammogram. I got signed up for my chemo treatments (with the first one starting on Oct. 12) was given information about using a surgically placed port for administering the drugs through and heard about all of the prescription drugs and their side effects that I will be taking prior to taking the chemo drugs. I was there so long they had to escort me out the staff doors because everyone else had gone for the evening.
The good news is that I’ve made a decision today and told the oncologist that I need to get started and the one thing we can do now is to start chemo treatments. They really don’t care about the order of surgery first or chemo first in terms of my health so I’m tired of the wait and why delay the inevitable, right? So I have a game plan now and it’s a little scary but at least I can move from this feeling of living in denial to the beginning of putting an end to this hell.
Karen
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
September 20-Day 28
Working in retail can make for a crazy, hectic day that often starts with early morning delivery issues and can end with several staff members lined up asking for 5 minutes of my time to resolve their issues. There is no such thing as a moment of privacy in my work world which makes taking care of my health situation even more challenging.
Yesterday my surgical doctor and I were playing phone tag and obviously I’m always anxious to talk to her. When she finally was able to reach me, I had picked up the page downstairs in our stock room where I was surrounded by 4 men working our large truck that had just been unloaded at our dock doors. I was planning on asking her about the relative size of my tumor compared with the size of my breast and how this would impact my surgical decision when one of the guys came up next to me to use the computer. I started to stammer around a bit when I decided that 10 minutes of privacy was necessary. I put the dr. on hold and ran upstairs to the manager’s office and closed the door. During the 10 min. conversation we had, someone knocked on the door, one person barged right in then backed out and there were 2 pages for me to the sales floor. I held my ground, ignoring all possible interruptions and kept my focus on all of the questions that I had prepared for this precious time with my surgeon.
I can tell this cancer thing is going to be hard for me to prioritize while I’m at work since I’m so used to putting our customers and our staff before my own needs. Pushing myself to the front of the line isn't something that comes naturally for me but I do know the store will not burn down while I'm on the phone and that everyone I work with would rather I take the time to get healthy again so I can be 100% focused.
As for the conversation with the surgeon, she still needs some more ultrasounds done before they can rule out any suspicious looking lymph nodes so we’re going to schedule that. I’ve also requested an appointment with the medical oncologist who is the person responsible for my upcoming chemo treatments. We talked about the possibility of doing chemo before surgery while I’m waiting to talk to plastics (that’s dr. talk for the plastic surgeon). I’m learning so much about the medical world and it’s kind of cool. Next appointment is Monday, September 27th with chemo dr. (that’s Karen talk for medical oncologist).
Yesterday my surgical doctor and I were playing phone tag and obviously I’m always anxious to talk to her. When she finally was able to reach me, I had picked up the page downstairs in our stock room where I was surrounded by 4 men working our large truck that had just been unloaded at our dock doors. I was planning on asking her about the relative size of my tumor compared with the size of my breast and how this would impact my surgical decision when one of the guys came up next to me to use the computer. I started to stammer around a bit when I decided that 10 minutes of privacy was necessary. I put the dr. on hold and ran upstairs to the manager’s office and closed the door. During the 10 min. conversation we had, someone knocked on the door, one person barged right in then backed out and there were 2 pages for me to the sales floor. I held my ground, ignoring all possible interruptions and kept my focus on all of the questions that I had prepared for this precious time with my surgeon.
I can tell this cancer thing is going to be hard for me to prioritize while I’m at work since I’m so used to putting our customers and our staff before my own needs. Pushing myself to the front of the line isn't something that comes naturally for me but I do know the store will not burn down while I'm on the phone and that everyone I work with would rather I take the time to get healthy again so I can be 100% focused.
As for the conversation with the surgeon, she still needs some more ultrasounds done before they can rule out any suspicious looking lymph nodes so we’re going to schedule that. I’ve also requested an appointment with the medical oncologist who is the person responsible for my upcoming chemo treatments. We talked about the possibility of doing chemo before surgery while I’m waiting to talk to plastics (that’s dr. talk for the plastic surgeon). I’m learning so much about the medical world and it’s kind of cool. Next appointment is Monday, September 27th with chemo dr. (that’s Karen talk for medical oncologist).
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
September 15-Day 23
Ugh!! We can't get in to see the plastic surgeon that works with our Oncologist until October 6th. That's 3 more weeks of waiting and then we'll probably be waiting another 3 weeks to coordinate their calendars for surgery. I'm so anxious to get the process started, but if they aren't panicking then I have to trust that they have my health in mind and that nothing will progress too far before we can remove the tumor.
The extra time is allowing me to get some things taken care of before I'll be unable to after the surgery. I've made the decision to move Chelsey out of Chicago and down here to live with Tom and I in Tampa. A co-worker jokingly accussed me of getting cancer on purpose in order to talk my daughter into moving back home. I miss her terribly, but I'm sure I wouldn't put this on myself just to get her here.
I can't wait for our road trip from KC to Tampa just like when she was a teenager and we would throw a couple of suitcases in the car along with her music and my snacks and take off for whatever city had the latest cool new store we wanted to check out. Minneappolis, Chicago and St. Louis were our favorites. We could drive it in a day and they always had better shopping than KC. The best part about our trips were the hours spent driving and talking and me listening to the usual woes of a teenage girl...friends, boyfriend or no boyfriend (depending on the day), high school drama and of course-what to wear with those new boots she just bought at the Galleria!
Chelsey, I'll pack the snacks if you'll bring the music and maybe we can stop off at the Galleria and look for boots.
The extra time is allowing me to get some things taken care of before I'll be unable to after the surgery. I've made the decision to move Chelsey out of Chicago and down here to live with Tom and I in Tampa. A co-worker jokingly accussed me of getting cancer on purpose in order to talk my daughter into moving back home. I miss her terribly, but I'm sure I wouldn't put this on myself just to get her here.
I can't wait for our road trip from KC to Tampa just like when she was a teenager and we would throw a couple of suitcases in the car along with her music and my snacks and take off for whatever city had the latest cool new store we wanted to check out. Minneappolis, Chicago and St. Louis were our favorites. We could drive it in a day and they always had better shopping than KC. The best part about our trips were the hours spent driving and talking and me listening to the usual woes of a teenage girl...friends, boyfriend or no boyfriend (depending on the day), high school drama and of course-what to wear with those new boots she just bought at the Galleria!
Chelsey, I'll pack the snacks if you'll bring the music and maybe we can stop off at the Galleria and look for boots.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
September 11- Day 19
To take our minds off all of the new information we heard yesterday, Tom and I decided to spend the day at our favorite beach, Pass-A-Grille. If you’ve never been there let me try to describe how serene and relaxing it is there. The town is at the very tip of the island just south of St. Pete Beach and is old, quaint and filled with charming homes, restaurants and shops. There are no buildings on the beach and you have to walk past sand dunes to get from the parking lot to the beach. The water is crystal clear and goes from a soft green closest to the sand to a pale turquoise and then a deep blue. At 10:00 am on a Saturday in September the crowd is pretty sparse and is mostly couples or a few families with small children. There’s a small jetty at one end and if you walk up and look over it, the ocean seems to go on forever into the distance.
On a typical day there, Tom and I will sunbathe, cool off in the Gulf, maybe nap in our beach chairs, and read if you’re Tom or flip through the latest fashion or shelter mag if you’re me. Today started off being typical with sunbathing and magazine flipping, but then it happened. Tom was out in the water about waist deep cooling off from the 95 degree cloudless day we were having when I decided to put down my Coastal Living and join him. Just as I reached Tom, my left foot felt like the sand was giving way and I was sinking deeper. Before I knew what was going on, I felt something bite me. And then, the pain came. Excruciating pain like I’ve never felt before! I was afraid to look down for fear my foot had been chewed off by a shark! I tried to climb up on Tom because I thought whatever got me might still be hanging around. I quickly started to drag myself out of the water and knew then that my foot was still intact, but was starting to swell up and hurt like crazy. I got out of the water and crippled over to my beach chair. My foot was bleeding from a puncture wound that was apparently from a Stingray. Yes, I was bitten today by a Stingray!! What next???
Advice started to come at us from several people on the beach who just witnessed what had happened. Scalding, hot water on my foot for the next 2 hours was what we heard from most everyone. Tom ran down to the beach shack and they gave him a pickle bucket filled with hot sudsy water to soak my foot in. I sat like that for about an hour but by then we had been there for so long the sun was baking me. Taking my foot out of the hot water was too painful, so….I had to drag the pickle bucket filled with water and my left foot inside all the way back across the beach up over the sand dunes and to our car. I was quite a site taking one step, dragging the pickle bucket, take another step, drag the bucket, stop to talk to a group of tourists about what happened and finally make it back to the car.
All I kept thinking as Tom drove us home and I winced in pain all the way was why? Was there a reason for this? Was this supposed to teach me some lesson? Am I learning how to deal with pain to prep for my upcoming surgeries? Today’s pain was pretty bad on a scale of 1-10 I’d say it was a 9 at times. Maybe I’m just getting my bad luck out of the way so the good stuff will come at me when I need it most. I’m going with that theory.
Karen
On a typical day there, Tom and I will sunbathe, cool off in the Gulf, maybe nap in our beach chairs, and read if you’re Tom or flip through the latest fashion or shelter mag if you’re me. Today started off being typical with sunbathing and magazine flipping, but then it happened. Tom was out in the water about waist deep cooling off from the 95 degree cloudless day we were having when I decided to put down my Coastal Living and join him. Just as I reached Tom, my left foot felt like the sand was giving way and I was sinking deeper. Before I knew what was going on, I felt something bite me. And then, the pain came. Excruciating pain like I’ve never felt before! I was afraid to look down for fear my foot had been chewed off by a shark! I tried to climb up on Tom because I thought whatever got me might still be hanging around. I quickly started to drag myself out of the water and knew then that my foot was still intact, but was starting to swell up and hurt like crazy. I got out of the water and crippled over to my beach chair. My foot was bleeding from a puncture wound that was apparently from a Stingray. Yes, I was bitten today by a Stingray!! What next???
Advice started to come at us from several people on the beach who just witnessed what had happened. Scalding, hot water on my foot for the next 2 hours was what we heard from most everyone. Tom ran down to the beach shack and they gave him a pickle bucket filled with hot sudsy water to soak my foot in. I sat like that for about an hour but by then we had been there for so long the sun was baking me. Taking my foot out of the hot water was too painful, so….I had to drag the pickle bucket filled with water and my left foot inside all the way back across the beach up over the sand dunes and to our car. I was quite a site taking one step, dragging the pickle bucket, take another step, drag the bucket, stop to talk to a group of tourists about what happened and finally make it back to the car.
All I kept thinking as Tom drove us home and I winced in pain all the way was why? Was there a reason for this? Was this supposed to teach me some lesson? Am I learning how to deal with pain to prep for my upcoming surgeries? Today’s pain was pretty bad on a scale of 1-10 I’d say it was a 9 at times. Maybe I’m just getting my bad luck out of the way so the good stuff will come at me when I need it most. I’m going with that theory.
Karen
September 10- Day 18
My second visit to see a surgical Oncologist regarding my breast cancer was at the Moffitt Center in Tampa which is a highly regarded cancer research hospital. I was lucky enough to have a friend with great connections who got me an appointment there with one of the top doctors. That alone gave me some peace of mind. Thank you Sherry!
As soon as we walked through the doors I felt like I was going to a day spa…soothing waterfall behind the front desk, stone accent wall and jars filled with lovely smelling stuff took my mind off the real reason we were here. Oh yeah, I have cancer. Our visit was with a team of doctors who gave me their evaluation of my situation and basically threw out all the same options as the last doctor. Surgery, Chemo and possibly radiation if needed.
The ball is in my court now and I have to decide about reconstructive surgery or not and partial vs. full mastectomy. It’s a tough call but knowing that both paths have proven to have the same health outcome for most patients helps me a lot. It really comes down to inconvenience, appearance and multiple surgeries vs. 6 weeks of radiation.
It’s like on the Amazing Race when the team has to decide between eating something foul and disgusting or do a physically grueling task that no human should ever try to do. In order to advance in that game or the game of life, you just have to pick one and go for it and then hope you made the best decision to get through to the finish line. I’ll let you know what I decide.
Karen
As soon as we walked through the doors I felt like I was going to a day spa…soothing waterfall behind the front desk, stone accent wall and jars filled with lovely smelling stuff took my mind off the real reason we were here. Oh yeah, I have cancer. Our visit was with a team of doctors who gave me their evaluation of my situation and basically threw out all the same options as the last doctor. Surgery, Chemo and possibly radiation if needed.
The ball is in my court now and I have to decide about reconstructive surgery or not and partial vs. full mastectomy. It’s a tough call but knowing that both paths have proven to have the same health outcome for most patients helps me a lot. It really comes down to inconvenience, appearance and multiple surgeries vs. 6 weeks of radiation.
It’s like on the Amazing Race when the team has to decide between eating something foul and disgusting or do a physically grueling task that no human should ever try to do. In order to advance in that game or the game of life, you just have to pick one and go for it and then hope you made the best decision to get through to the finish line. I’ll let you know what I decide.
Karen
August 30- Day 7
Today was our first visit to an oncologist that had been set up by the doctor that did my biopsy. Tom and I went together figuring that between the two of us we could remember everything we wanted to ask. It’s amazing how many questions went unanswered and how many new ones came up after the appointment. We came away feeling completely overwhelmed with information that was both foreign and scary.
The doctor handed me a 3x5 index card that listed all of my cancer stats: Stage 1, Grade 2, Invasive Ductal, Estrogen-positive, progesterone-positive, HER2-positive. I was a bit surprised at how low tech her delivery of the information was with the index card and that she had written it in pencil suggesting that she wasn’t 100% sure of the diagnosis so she left herself room for re-thinking? Tom pointed out that we get a more technological analysis of the content of our pool water when we take samples to the pool store.
Anyway, she explained what some of the findings meant, but most I had to look up later at home. She recommended surgery to remove the tumor, radiation only if I chose to do the partial instead of the full mastectomy and chemo. We decided to get a second opinion. I’m not so sure we’ll hear anything different, but I know that I’ll always question her until I hear from another doctor.
The doctor handed me a 3x5 index card that listed all of my cancer stats: Stage 1, Grade 2, Invasive Ductal, Estrogen-positive, progesterone-positive, HER2-positive. I was a bit surprised at how low tech her delivery of the information was with the index card and that she had written it in pencil suggesting that she wasn’t 100% sure of the diagnosis so she left herself room for re-thinking? Tom pointed out that we get a more technological analysis of the content of our pool water when we take samples to the pool store.
Anyway, she explained what some of the findings meant, but most I had to look up later at home. She recommended surgery to remove the tumor, radiation only if I chose to do the partial instead of the full mastectomy and chemo. We decided to get a second opinion. I’m not so sure we’ll hear anything different, but I know that I’ll always question her until I hear from another doctor.
August 24- Day 1
I had a dream last night that I was on a cruise ship sailing through the open seas. I was enjoying the views from the top deck with both family and co-workers as your dreams are often filled with random people, when all of a sudden the ship started to veer towards a very small channel that was too tight for our big ship. The captain was steering like a mad man, throwing the passengers all over the deck and narrowly missing the banks. We were careening out of control when I work up, scared but relieved it was just a bad dream.
Unfortunately, the news I had received earlier in the day wasn’t a dream. My doctor had called to tell me that I had breast cancer. What a blow that was. I wasn’t even feeling the slightest bit sick so how could I have cancer in my body? Shouldn’t you at least be obsessing about some small ache or pain that makes you think something horrible is going on? I had none of that which is probably why it knocked me for a loop when she called me with the results from my biopsy.
I titled this karen has cancer because after the word got out to my family and a few close friends I assumed that between texting, phone calls and facebook everyone was whispering that phrase over and over from one person to the next just like the scene in Grease where Rizzo tells her best friend that she’s pregnant at the concession stand of the drive in movie. Before she can even make it back to her own car the entire movie going crowd has heard the news. Why is it that bad news travels so much faster than good news?
This blog site is going to be part therapy for me and part information for my friends and family. Most of you know me well enough to know that I don’t take myself too seriously, so in spite of the fact that I am dealing with some pretty heavy crap here, I’m going to keep it as humorous as I can or else I will go insane. Obviously my dream last night was in direct correlation with how out of control I feel right now. Please stick with me through this as this is going to get interesting.
Karen
Unfortunately, the news I had received earlier in the day wasn’t a dream. My doctor had called to tell me that I had breast cancer. What a blow that was. I wasn’t even feeling the slightest bit sick so how could I have cancer in my body? Shouldn’t you at least be obsessing about some small ache or pain that makes you think something horrible is going on? I had none of that which is probably why it knocked me for a loop when she called me with the results from my biopsy.
I titled this karen has cancer because after the word got out to my family and a few close friends I assumed that between texting, phone calls and facebook everyone was whispering that phrase over and over from one person to the next just like the scene in Grease where Rizzo tells her best friend that she’s pregnant at the concession stand of the drive in movie. Before she can even make it back to her own car the entire movie going crowd has heard the news. Why is it that bad news travels so much faster than good news?
This blog site is going to be part therapy for me and part information for my friends and family. Most of you know me well enough to know that I don’t take myself too seriously, so in spite of the fact that I am dealing with some pretty heavy crap here, I’m going to keep it as humorous as I can or else I will go insane. Obviously my dream last night was in direct correlation with how out of control I feel right now. Please stick with me through this as this is going to get interesting.
Karen
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