March 25

It’s been 10 days since my surgery and I’m starting to bounce back and feel better. I’m taking it one day at a time and trying not to focus on what might lie ahead but instead think about how far I’ve come since my diagnosis. The journey has already had a few ups and downs, but I’m looking forward to a lot more ups this summer. My post op appt. with my medical oncologist and reconstructive surgeon went really well. Apparently only 15% of patients receiving chemo treatments respond as well as I did. They said that I was 100% cancer free at the time of surgery. What that means is that when they went in to remove the breast tissue, they found no live cancer cells, but only scar tissue where there once was cancer. That was a huge relief to hear just to know that all I went through with the chemo treatments turned out to be so successful. They also found scar tissue in one of my lymph nodes which means that at one time there was cancer present there so they asked me to think about going in to have all of the lymph nodes removed as a precaution. If I don’t elect to have them removed then I will need to get an ultrasound every 3 months to check the area. I’ve decided to wait and see, knowing that I will have to have a second surgery for the reconstruction anyway and we can always do it then. Right now I want to enjoy thinking about being CANCER FREE and focus my energy on healing from my surgery. I was told by a friend that I will need to change the name of my blog from karenhascancer to karendoesnothavecanceranymore….but I’m going to wait and see. I’m usually a very positive thinker, but getting cancer has a way of getting the best of you and you find you just aren't as invincible as you once thought. Anyway, I’m going to keep this blog up but might not post anything new for a few months. Remember, no news is good news. I’ll be back when I have something to report. Thanks for sticking with me.

March 12

Sorry for the delay since my last blog. I’ve had my last chemo treatment and it’s a good feeling. I can’t tell you how thrilling it is to know that I won’t have to go through those awful side effects again. Now it’s time to focus on my upcoming surgery, or not focus on it and just get through it. The more I think about it the more anxious I get so it’s probably best to stay so busy that I don’t have a lot of idle time to dwell on it too much.

It must have been weighing heavy on me the other night when I went to bed. I woke up at 5:30am after having a bad dream. In the dream I was visiting a zoo or park here in Florida with my sister Cheryl, her husband Larry and youngest daughter Carly. We had all stopped to look at this little pond with cute Flamingo birds when Larry and Carly decided to get closer to them so they jumped over the pond to the other side. Once they were over there, Cheryl and I realized that they had just landed in the middle of a bunch of alligators. We were screaming at them to jump back over to our side and didn’t see the one alligator on our side that was coming at us! Suddenly this huge one came at me and jumped up and bit off my cancer infected breast!! It was so bizarre that even while still asleep I had a sneaky feeling that it was a dream. Although I was pretty relieved when I woke up.

I guess that was my way of telling myself that even though I’m scared of the surgery it’s better than having an alligator bite off the cancer. Or the message could have been that I’m supposed to watch out for alligators when visiting local parks and zoos with my sister. I’m going with the first one which really tells me to put my faith in my doctor that does these surgeries all the time and that I will be cancer free and healthy when it’s all said and done. Next week, March 15th is the first surgery. Wish me luck!

January 11...Day 141

Tom and I decided to spend New Year’s Day on Sanibel Island so we could relax and spend some quiet time together and to start 2011 focused on something other than cancer. I had never been down past Sarasota on the east side of Florida so we drove slowly to enjoy the views, stopping at an art fair in Fort Myers and purchasing a fun beach painting before driving across to the island. We had a yummy lunch overlooking the ocean and the weather was sunny and warm. After lunch we planned on taking a long walk on the beach and look for seashells which is what Sanibel is known for.

Before we left town, I noticed that I had a small Cyst in a very delicate area…upper inside thigh or lower inside butt cheek (kind of confusing how to describe) that had decided to get larger, red and slightly sore to the touch. I didn’t think anything about it except to note that I would call my Oncologist Monday morning after the holiday weekend. Unfortunately, the cyst had another plan. It grew from about the size of a pea to the size of a golf ball and was protruding during our drive down. I couldn’t walk or sit without being in a lot of pain. No long walk on the beach and our romantic weekend was slowly slipping away from us. How could this be happening????

To make a long story short, we mustered together what we could of the weekend. We managed to have a very delicious dinner at this quaint little Italian place in a brightly painted beach house. But by the time we made it back to our hotel room after dinner I was in severe pain and could only think about how I shouldn’t be so far away from my dr. I didn’t relax or sleep much that night and we drove home first thing in the morning.

By the time we made it home on Sunday, the cyst had turned black and was abscessed, I ended up in the ER for 5 hours where they had to open, drain and pack the wound. Apparently the cyst was on the verge of bursting and had I waited any longer the infection could have gotten into my bloodstream and killed me! What a way to start off the New Year!

So, I could look at it two ways. Yes, our weekend wasn’t what we planned but we did get to have somewhat of a getaway and I did get to the ER on time and the cyst didn’t burst and I’m on my way to a healed wound. I can finally sit again without pain and besides taking antibiotics the only other requirement from the dr. was to take 2-3 baths a day. I love to take baths so that’s good. And someday it’ll be a good laugh about how we tried to have a romantic weekend and I ended up with a cyst the size of a golf ball on my butt. What’s not funny about that? Also, they delayed my scheduled chemo that was supposed to happen today to next Tuesday. Again, could be upset but it allows me to be healthy and strong for my first week at work since my promotion to manager. What’s not good about that?

December 1st, Day 100!

I just started working a 1,000 piece puzzle to help me pass the many hours that I spend lying around the house. Good puzzles are hard to find but I can usually count on the local Hallmark store to carry a few that look challenging and fun. I find that people either hate to work puzzles or love them but I’ve never heard anyone say that they kind of like them. I’m on the love side and always have been. The thing I like about a puzzle is that there is only one right answer for every spot you’re trying to fill. You can’t pick up one piece and say that it’s close so I’m going to make it work. You have to put it down and keep searching for that one right piece and when you find it, it’s a tiny little feeling of success.

Too bad life isn’t that way. Or maybe it is and we just keep trying to force wrong answers into spaces where they don’t belong. Are we just too lazy to keep searching for all the right answers in life and so we settle for something that’s close and decide that it’s easier to force it then it keep searching? Or, is life a lot more complicated then a puzzle and there is more than one right answer to each and every problem we’re dealt?

I know with my cancer treatments I was faced with making a lot of the decisions myself about what to do, when to do it and who to do it with. I was tormented trying to gain enough knowledge to feel like I could make the “right” decision. I might not know for years if I did make the right decisions or if I just got worn down and started forcing some answers to get the ball rolling. The thing that I do know is that once you finally decide what you’re going to do; life has a way of falling into place. I suppose if life were as rigid as a puzzle we would all be running around desperately searching for each and every right answer because getting it wrong would just not work. So I think we need to celebrate the tiny successes in life when it feels like we found that right piece to solve the current puzzle we each are dealing with even if the answer hasn’t yet been revealed.

November 10th, Day 79

When I first found out I had cancer my biggest fear was that I was going to die. Then when I heard it was stage one and fairly curable, my next fear was that I’d lose my hair. Dying #1, losing hair #2…when did hair become so important to women? Did we do this to ourselves or can we blame it on marketers and media exposure?

When I traveled to Paris last summer I stayed with my daughter in a less touristy part of the city and got to mingle with the locals. I was shocked to find that the Parisian women did not over-do their dos. Most of them wore their hair the way it behaved naturally, with very little styling or product involved. Even their color seemed to be more mousey and less shiny indicating that they don’t spend hundreds of dollars or hours and hours at the salon having it dyed or highlighted. Isn’t Paris supposed to be the center of the fashion world, where all the trends permeate from? Is this a trend or just a more laissez-faire attitude towards hair? Either way, when is it going to make its way across the pond so we too can let go of our constant quest to have perfect hair?

But, since it’s oh so important to me (remember, its #2 after dying) I’m trying to deal with it as positively as I can until I get mine back. Here’s what I’ve decided. I will most likely save hundreds of dollars by not going to the salon, not buying products, not buying hair accessories and not buying magazines with ideas for new hair. I will save countless hours not washing my hair, not styling my hair, not stressing about my hair and not flipping through those magazines I bought looking for new hair. I will throw on my wig, make a few minor adjustments to get it on straight and be done with it. We will use the money we saved and take a trip to Paris (sound good Sweetie?) when this is all over and I will do as the locals do and let my new hair fall where it may.

November 2nd, Day 71

Life is good and I am loved. I wanted to post this picture of my wall of cards so I could share it with everyone. It literally grows bigger every day and I just love fitting each one in and finding just the right spot. I have so many wonderful friends and family that haven’t stopped letting me know how much you all care about me and are thinking and praying for me. Your cards with your enclosed thoughts and words of wisdom are reminders to me that I am one strong chic, to keep a sense of humor and don’t forget to breathe! All great words of wisdom and are giving me the hope and strength that I need.

I live in a neighborhood that has a 3 mile sidewalk that makes a large oval around the perimeter. As you walk around it you pass the golf course that has many ponds with the most amazing Floridian wildlife hanging around them. I’ve seen Pink Spoonbill, Wood Storks, Blue Heron, Cranes, Sandpipers, Egrets, Pelicans, Owls, Muscovy Ducks, Alligators and many more that I’m not sure what they are.

Last week I was able to walk to the largest pond which is about 1.2 miles from our house. I made sure I timed it right to get there at sunset since that’s when the animals are particularly active. They come alive with this incredible, almost choreographed, wildlife dance you will ever see. The blue heron will fly low over the pond just grazing it as he goes from one side to the other, landing on the edge of a perfectly manicured green on the golf course. The large turtle bobs his head up and down, in and out of the water, probably catching the bugs that are thickest at sunset, hovering just above the surface. My favorite part though, and the part that brings the biggest smile to my face, are watching the fish. I don’t know my fish well but they are about a foot long and usually about 5 or 6 of them will join the dance, behaving like Dolphins who make that graceful arc when they jump out of the water and down under then back up again. They look like a rock skipping across the water because they will propel their bodies up and down, up and down as they make their way across the pond. I would love to film the entire routine someday and put music to it because just walking past doesn’t do it justice. You have to stop and linger awhile before they will give you the full show. They always get a hardy round of applause from me.

Oct 21- Day 59

I just made the most amazing spaghetti dinner tonight. Either that or my taste buds are completely screwed up and my normal, bland style of cooking surprisingly tasted 10 times better today. I doubt that I’ve become a better cook in one day so something else has to be going on.

It might be that for the last 4 days I’ve not been able to keep any food in my stomach. That I’ve had such severe stomach cramps that thoughts of food did not enter into my brain. That until tonight, even jello and chicken broth were too much to handle. I’ve lain on my hard tile bathroom floor for 2 nights until 3am fearful of getting too far away from the toilet and I’ve thought that living doesn’t sound like the better option if it’s spent feeling this miserable.

It was so strange though how quickly it all turned around. I got up today and decided that I just had to get up and go to work because if I spent another full day in bed I’d be cursing the fact that Tom is not a hunter and therefore if I were to desperately go on a search through the house for a loaded gun I wouldn't find one. Then tonight while taking the dogs on a short walk with Tom, I had a sudden urge to eat spaghetti and meatballs. I rarely eat red meat so I took this as a sign that my body was asking for protein and carbohydrates. This sudden food craving put me in the lightest mood as well. Maybe because I realized if I could eat again I’d feel better again? Seems elementary but, when you’re at a point when you think you’ll never feel like eating enough food to sustain life, let alone enjoy it, everything changes when you finally can. So, we ran to the store, bought all the ingredients I needed and I made my most amazing spaghetti dinner ever.